Weblog
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
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about four or five years ago, i walked into a youth group function with my face painted--black and white, very dramatic, slightly creepy. of course, everyone asked me what it was for. i explained that i had been modeling for a friend's photography project that afternoon, and simply hadn't washed off the ghostly face. one woman confessed that she had assumed i was protesting or advocating some movement, saying to me "katie, you have always struck me as a girl with a cause."
a girl with a cause. four or five years ago...i was maybe sixteen.
i haven't thought of that exchange in years. i remember thinking it was odd, at the time. i've certainly always have my own direction, my personal raison d'etre--but a cause? that seems to indicate something bigger than just myself, taking part in a movement greater than my individual goals. i had a conviction and a calling, but i don't think i had a cause then.
however, i did when i came back from peru.
the problem was, i didn't know what it was--or rather, i could not articulate it. i was passionate and frustrated and overwhelmed, and falling very fast. furious at the society i had returned to for being what i perceived as willingly blind, my initial reaction was to distance myself from it as much as possible. school terrified me--having experienced life where my value was inherent, not dependent on measurable success at competition, i was thoroughly disheartened by the prospect of returning to the cut-throat academic tourney that is the pre-med curriculum. so, under the influence of a desperate heart and the irresistible revolution, i glommed on particularly hard to the "be not of this world" side of the teachings of Jesus.
but i am not a hermit, and near-complete withdrawal was not the appropriate coping mechanism for the culture shock. it actually made it a lot worse. it took several months and a fair amount of counseling (which i will maintain was more or less completely useless) before i could get through a day without being eaten alive by the daunting prospects of readjusting to american life without losing the lessons i learned in peru, repairing relationships i damaged along the way, and maintaining the academic standards necessary to fulfill what i had always believed to be my life's calling (namely, getting into medical school, becoming a doctor, and helping people...a lot...). however, it wasn't as if i found some amazing fix that enabled me to finally handle everything. the length of time it took before life became bearable again magically coincides with the length of time it took for the semester to end and for school, a major antagonist, to shut up and go away.
but i did find something extremely valuable. i found my cause.
while still in peru, i had declared a minor in "latino studies," hoping to "stay connected to the world i've found" without really even knowing what i meant by that. the one class i could get into in the department for the spring was a seminar entitled "chicana/o and latina/o psychology." there were maybe fifteen students in the class--half of them were latino, and the rest of us felt like maybe we ought to be. intrigued by a digression in a lecture or reading, i focused all my independent projects on variations on a theme--the accessibility and quality of health care available to the communities that we were discussing.
what i found, consistently, was exactly what i anticipated and yet it still blew my mind every time--overwhelmingly, minority populations are under-educated about and under-provided-for by health care services. there are too many reasons to name--language barriers, cultural isolation, discrimination, poverty--and the effects are visible in all sorts of places, expected and not. and that became my cause: to fix those disparities, and alleviate the circumstances that cause them in the first place.
now, i've been saying for ages that "when i grow up, i want to be a doctor and work in an under-served area." how is this any different, one may ask? well, i see it as both a focusing and a broadening of that purpose...
you see, my junior-high calling is specific enough that it's given me direction for the greater part of my academic/personal life, but (thankfully!) it is also vague enough that i haven't torn myself to pieces chasing after the details that would not have--and have not--gone exactly according to plan. older, more educated, with a better understanding of my strengths and weaknesses and more able to hear where i'm being called, i'm in a place where it is reasonable to refine the "when i grow up..." sentiment.
however, not only does this focus my attention, it broadens it as well. it's not just about me any more, about my life, my goals. it's about joining a movement that is slow, but gaining; it is doing this for the greater good, for those who need it, for them, rather than because i have always said i would; it is because i am called, not just to follow, but to interact, to be a voice for the oppressed, to be the hands and feet that reach out to heal and march in solidarity.
coming to that point was not nearly as easy as it looks in print, believe you me. for so long i have had my entire being so set on one way to the end--on getting through undergrad as quickly as possible, and entering medical school here, in madison, via the medical scholars program--that even considering anything else seemed like a cop-out. and given my oft-dismal prognosis of academic success this term (which thankfully was anything but!), it seemed like bailing out before proving that i couldn't make it--preferable to utter failure, but sub-par to what my whole life had been leading up to. and even if i was okay with the idea, what about them, the people i was intending to serve? i am the first to admit to being both well-meaning and naive...would that come across as clueless, or even patronizing? was saying that i want to help in this way like sending shower caps and nail polish remover to the hospice?* * * * *
i'm not sure why this all came up in my thoughts today, six months and more after returning from peru. i suppose also that there is no obvious connection between everything i've just written, and the experiences i shared from piura...but to me, there is. i do know i had completely forgotten all of this. i sit in my cushy office doing my cushy office job, all day, all summer, and daydream about landing a job with that company when i graduate in a year. my priorities, in everything, are all skewed, and i forget what i am all about.
and somewhere around the alley on dayton on the walk home from the gym, i remembered. and so i asked myself why i am not doing this--or at least, doing as much as i can, given any limitations i may have due to age, education (or lack thereof), and so forth. and, kind of surprisingly, i had answers:
i forgot. i got wrapped up in summer laziness and became completely distracted and, to my shame, completely re-absorbed into the world that six months ago i so passionately protested and pitied, and i forgot about something bigger. this is a silly reason.
i feel too naive. i feel like i don't know enough to navigate any cultural boundaries without causing insult. i also feel like that's a bullshit answer. if i don't know enough, why am i not learning more? i think i'm really just stalling. and anyway, isn't some naivete necessary in order to hope and believe that change is possible? and aren't cultural differences and misunderstandings overcome by compassion and open minds? this is also a silly reason.
i am afraid. honestly, i do not personally know a single other person who has ever done this kind of work. i have corresponded with one acclaimed professor at a prestigious university (and been much inspired!). this really is still a small movement, very little is even known what needs to be done because very little research has been undertaken at this point...but it's growing. and it can only grow because people join in.
and...i'm going to be one of them.
* * * * *
in related news...i'll find out my MCAT score in about a week, maybe ten days. and in some poking around today, i found that the anticipated score range that i have (based off of all the practice exams i had been taking) is very competitive at one of the medical schools i'm eyeing, and pretty solid for at least one other that i'm likely to end up in the vicinity of. these are good things.
i also found out that the master's program in public health has received accreditation, but also is now two years...when i looked at it at the start of the semester, it was a one-year program. two years is unanticipated...but overall a good thing, i guess. anyway, i'm excited.
summer is a nice break, but i think i'm ready for life to really begin again.
Monday, 14 January 2008
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i have dreamt of peru every night since i left. always in my dreams i am going back, if only for a day, because there is something there i left undone, something i still need to finish, something that has to happen if life is to continue as usual.
you don't need to be learned in symbology to interpret these dreams.
i do feel like i left too soon, that i left things undone, that life can't continue as usual. but i also don't know if it's reasonable to expect that "life as usual" will still mean the same thing it did before i left. what was i saying just last week? "same same, but different?" it's what i was expecting, isn't it?
well, i don't think i expected "different" to feel just like "something is missing."
te amo, peru, y te extreno mucho, mis amigos....
Friday, 11 January 2008
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6:30 am, leaving cusco in just a couple hours.
leaving peru tonight.
this last leg of the journey has many stories, that i don{t have the time to tell right now. but it was an adventure, believe you me. all i want is safe travel home. =)
oh, and to NOT have to leave peru... =/
Monday, 07 January 2008
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we left piura this afternoon, so we're officially on the journey back to the usa by way of lima and cusco and lima again.
it took me a couple days when i first arrived in piura for me to realize "holy cow, i'm living in peru!" but i am very acutely aware now that i am not. we were rushed out of the church this afternoon and dropped off at the airport and i didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone other than those who drove us there. friends had said last night at the fiesta and this morning at church that they would come to see me off, but because we were pushed to leave so early, matt and i weren't able to say goodbye to anyone, we weren't able to wait for them.
so,
darwin, blanca, ericson, zico, lourdes, ruth, edith, marlit, yenira, renato, cristian, cecelia, veronica, mirna, monica, martin, johnny, martin, manuel, jose, freddy, percy, jose, jose luis, rosa, rebecca, petronila, marco, reyna, deisy, moises, cesar, matteo, victor, edwin, ivan, ricky, leonel, elvis, sam, ginet, padre joe and anyone else who i may have--disculpe!--forgotten,
muchas gracias para estas tres meses. muchas gracias para dar a mi bienvenidos a tu comunidad, a tus casas, a tus vidas. muchas gracias para me ensenar a hablar espanol y para me ensenar a cocinar y para me ensenar a bailar y me ensenar cosas que no tengo las palabras tambien en ingles. muchas gracias para tus palabras cuando estoy muy solita o no tengo corazon. aprendo mucho aqui con todos de ustedes. las personas que yo conozco y las experiencias que yo tengo aqui tienen un logar muy especial en mi corazon y no puedo los olvidado. disculpe por favor que yo me fue sin salutaciones, promiso que no esta mi intencion. quiero dar a cada una de ustedes muchas embrazos y muchas palabras de carino y amistad. yo extreno mucho a todos--ah! mucho ahorita, a este minuto!--y yo te promiso, regreso muy pronto, el primero momento que puedo. dios te bendiga a todos.
Tuesday, 01 January 2008
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feliz ano nuevo!
i am pretty sure that 2008 will be "same same, but different." (a phrase used often by beth, padre joe's niece, who picked it up in thailand and who was here for a week visiting.)
these past few weeks have been the same peru, the same piura that i've lived in for the past three months, but with the presence of other american groups, things have been very different. the same stuff happens, but it all feels different. not bad, just...same same, but different.
and when i go back to the united states, i'm returning to a life that will, ostensibly, be pretty much the same as it was before. i'll go to school, and study my butt off. i'll work so that i don't run out of money. i'll dance, i'll laugh, i'll cry, i'll pray. but i will be--i am--fundamentally different now. stuff has gotten to me here, in good ways, in painful ways, in all sorts of ways. i know more about the world, more about myself, more about my God. the kind of things you can never un-know.
my eyes are a bit more open now. something i started dreaming of when i was thirteen years old is finally starting to happen. it's beautiful, and scary, and i don't know what to do next. i'm going home. but home won't fit quite right, because i'm not quite the same.
same same, but different...
piefairy
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- Name: katie
- Member Since: 8/10/2007
